How to Get Over Regret: Science-Backed Ways to Stop Looking Back and Start Moving Forward
We have all been there. Lying awake at 2am, replaying a decision from years ago and wondering “what if.” Whether it is a career path not taken, a relationship that ended badly, or something you said (or did not say) at exactly the wrong moment, regret has a way of making itself very comfortable in your mind.
The good news is that science has a lot to say about getting through it, and none of it involves pretending those feelings do not exist.
Key Takeaways
- Regret activates specific brain regions tied to decision-making and emotion, making it feel physically and mentally heavy
- Regrets of inaction (things you did not do) tend to linger longer than regrets of action
- Cognitive reappraisal, or reframing how you see a past event, is one of the most evidence-backed ways to reduce regret
- The REACH model of self-forgiveness has shown measurable benefits in clinical settings
- Self-compassion reduces the sting of regret and encourages positive personal growth
- Mindfulness helps break the rumination cycle that keeps regret alive
- Regret can become a teacher and a catalyst for post-traumatic growth when processed in healthy ways
- Therapy is a valuable option when regret feels persistent or overwhelming
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 150+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
What Is Regret, and Why Does It Feel So Heavy?
Regret is more than just wishing something had gone differently. Imaging studies reveal that feelings of regret show increased activity in an area of the brain called the medial orbitofrontal cortex, and it often comes tangled up with remorse, sorrow, and a sense of helplessness. Regret can increase stress and negatively affect physical health, throwing off the balance of hormone and immune systems. World Economic Forum
In other words, your brain is not just being dramatic. It is literally working overtime.
A fascinating piece of research using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) monitored brain activity as participants chose between two options. To stir up feelings of regret, researchers showed participants what could have happened had they chosen differently. The findings showed that regret sparked activity in areas of the brain associated with decision-making, emotional processing, and memory, suggesting that our brains are essentially wired to avoid regret. BetterUp
Knowing this can actually be a relief. You are not weak for struggling with it. You are human, and your brain is doing exactly what it was built to do.
The Two Types of Regret (And Why One Lingers Longer)
Not all regret feels the same, and there is a reason for that.
Researchers refer to two main ways of experiencing regret: the action path (regretting something you did) and the inaction path (regretting something you did not do). Greater Good
In one study, people were asked what they would do differently if they could live life over again. More than half of the regrets had to do with inaction, such as not completing college, not pursuing a particular career, or not trying harder in a relationship. In contrast, only 12 percent were regrets of action. These findings explain why we are often haunted by paths not taken, and why it is often easier to overcome regrets of action. Medium
So if you find yourself more tormented by the things you did not do than by the things you did, that is completely normal. It does not mean you are stuck that way.
6 Science-Backed Ways to Get Over Regret
1. Allow Yourself to Actually Feel It
It might seem counterintuitive, but pushing regret away tends to make it louder. Acknowledging the feeling, sitting with it briefly rather than suppressing it, is actually the first step toward releasing it. Suppression takes energy, and it leaves the emotion unprocessed.
If anxiety or sadness tends to show up alongside your regret, that is very common. These feelings often travel together.
2. Try Cognitive Reappraisal (Looking at It Differently)
One of the most well-researched tools in emotional regulation is cognitive reappraisal, which simply means choosing to see a situation through a different lens.
This method of noticing and then restructuring your thoughts may help reduce regret and help you make better future decisions. Seeing the situation in a different way is a powerful reframing tool. World Economic Forum
A simple question to try: “What did this experience teach me that I would not have learned otherwise?” That is not toxic positivity. It is a genuine cognitive shift that research shows can reduce the emotional intensity of regret over time.
A research linking regret to depression and lowered life satisfaction confirms how important it is to forge a more positive way forward. Reframing is all about seeing events and situations in a new, more adaptive light. Psychology Today
3. Practice Self-Forgiveness Using the REACH Model
Self-forgiveness is not about letting yourself off the hook. It is about releasing the weight you have been carrying so you can move forward.
A well-established cognitive psychological model called REACH asks people to: recall the hurt (face it), empathize (be kind and compassionate with yourself), altruistically offer forgiveness to oneself, commit publicly by sharing it with someone, and then hold on to that forgiveness. Research shows that six hours of work with a trained professional using this model can have a meaningful positive impact. World Economic Forum
This is not a quick fix, and it does not need to be. Small, consistent steps toward self-forgiveness tend to be more sustainable than trying to feel better all at once.
4. Bring Self-Compassion Into the Equation
Many people are far kinder to a friend going through a hard time than they are to themselves. Self-compassion flips that script, and the science behind it is compelling.
A study found that self-compassion may drive people to take proactive steps toward personal improvement in response to their regret experiences, rather than staying stuck in guilt or shame. Self-Compassion
Researcher Kristin Neff’s model of self-compassion includes increased self-kindness, a sense of common humanity (the recognition that suffering and mistakes are part of being human), and mindfulness. A growing body of research indicates that self-compassion is a productive way of approaching distressing thoughts and emotions, and it supports both mental and physical well-being. Annual Reviews
A good starting point: try speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a close friend who was carrying the same regret. What would you say to them?
5. Use Mindfulness to Break the Rumination Cycle
Regret and rumination are close companions. You revisit the same memory, run through the same “what ifs,” and end up feeling exactly the same way you did when you started. Mindfulness can help interrupt that loop.
A study found that mindfulness could help individuals process regretful experiences by fostering self-acceptance and reducing negative rumination. Guided mindfulness meditation was shown to significantly reduce the intensity of regretful emotions. PubMed Central
Other research found that high dispositional mindfulness reduces the extent to which ruminative reactions tend to escalate into self-perpetuating and uncontrollable cycles, suggesting it is not rumination itself that is the biggest problem, but the feeling that it is out of control. Ucsd
Even five to ten minutes of mindful breathing each day can begin to shift this pattern over time.
6. Let Regret Teach You Something (Post-Traumatic Growth)
This one might sound surprising: regret, when processed in a healthy way, can actually become a catalyst for growth.
Post-traumatic growth, a concept identified by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, refers to the positive psychological change that can emerge after a significant life struggle. Their research described five categories of growth: recognizing new opportunities, forging stronger relationships, cultivating inner strength, gaining a deeper appreciation for life, and developing greater meaning and purpose. Psychology Today
Studies indicate that people who experience and process regret effectively tend to make better decisions in the future and show increased personal growth. The key is using regret as motivation rather than allowing it to become paralyzing. Science of People
Regret, in this light, is not just a weight. It can be a compass.
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 150+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
When Regret Becomes More Than You Can Handle Alone
Sometimes regret is so deeply rooted that working through it on your own feels like trying to untangle a knot in the dark. That is not a sign of failure. It is a sign that you might benefit from some extra support.
Working with a therapist can provide a structured, compassionate space to process regret, especially when it is tied to grief, trauma, or long-standing anxiety. If you have been carrying a particular regret for a long time and it keeps showing up in your daily life, connecting with a therapist could be a genuinely meaningful next step.
A Gentle Reminder
Regret does not mean you made a terrible, unforgivable choice. More often, it means you were doing the best you could with the information, energy, and resources you had at the time. The version of you who made that decision deserves some grace too.
Regret is a universal human experience, and while it does not naturally fade over time without active processing, it does not have to control your life either. Science of People
With patience, the right tools, and a little self-compassion, you can move through it.
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 100+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
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Frequently Asked Questions
How do you stop feeling regret?
Regret tends to ease when you stop fighting it and start processing it. Evidence-based approaches like cognitive reappraisal, self-compassion practices, and mindfulness have all been shown to reduce the emotional intensity of regret over time. The goal is not to erase the feeling but to change your relationship with it.
Is it normal to feel regret for years?
Yes, and it is more common than most people realize. Research by psychologist Thomas Gilovich found that regret, especially regret about inaction, does not fade naturally without active processing. That said, with the right tools or professional support, even long-held regrets can lose their grip.
What is the difference between regret and guilt?
Regret focuses on personal choices and their outcomes, often centered on what could have been different. Guilt tends to involve a sense of having caused harm to others. Both can be processed in healthy ways, though they may call for slightly different approaches.
Can regret be good for you?
In some ways, yes. Research shows that people who process regret effectively tend to make better future decisions and show signs of personal growth. The key difference is between using regret as information versus letting it become an ongoing source of self-punishment.
Does therapy help with regret?
It can be genuinely helpful, especially when regret is long-standing or connected to deeper patterns of anxiety, depression, or past trauma. Approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and compassion-focused therapy provide structured tools for working through regret in a supported environment.
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