8 Things Not to Say to Your Aging Parents: Communication That Builds Connection
Quick Overview
Why does communication with aging parents matter? How we speak to our parents affects their dignity, independence, and well-being, as well as the quality of our relationship with them.
Key points:
- Small changes in language can make a big difference
- Certain communication patterns can feel patronizing, even when well-intentioned
- Respectful communication strengthens relationships
- Understanding what to avoid helps us communicate better
Understanding Communication and Aging
Why Language Matters
Research examining communication between adult children and aging parents found that more than 90 percent of families experience stubborn behaviors like insisting, resisting, or persisting. These communication challenges happen frequently, but they can be navigated with awareness and respect.
Interestingly, adult children and aging parents often see these behaviors differently. Adult children associate perceptions of parental stubbornness with their views of their relationships, while parents link their perceptions to their own identities.
Understanding how our words affect our parents and recognizing that we might interpret situations differently helps us communicate in ways that honor both the relationship and their autonomy.
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 100+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
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1. “You’re Too Old for That.”
Why This Doesn’t Help
This phrase dismisses your parents’ capabilities and desires based solely on age. It can feel like you’re putting them in a box labeled “elderly” rather than seeing them as the individual they’ve always been.
What to Say Instead
“How can I support you in doing that?” or “What would help make that work for you?”
This approach acknowledges their interest while offering practical support if needed.
2. Pet Names Like “Sweetie,” “Honey,” or “Dear” (Unless That’s Your Norm)
Why This Doesn’t Help
Research on elderspeak, communication patterns that sound like baby talk, shows that older adults generally find elderspeak patronizing and infantilizing. Elderspeak arises from implicit ageism, where recognition of old age cues leads to simplified communication.
Context matters here. If you’ve called your parent “sweetie” your whole life, that’s different. But adopting new diminutive terms once a parent shows signs of aging can feel condescending.
What to Do Instead
Use their name or the term you’ve always used. Maintain the same respectful communication style you’ve had throughout your adult relationship.
3. “Let Me Do That for You” (Before They’ve Asked)
Why This Doesn’t Help
Jumping in to help before your parent has indicated they need it can send the message that you think they’re incapable. It can inadvertently take away opportunities for them to maintain their independence and competence.
What to Say Instead
“Would you like help with that?” or wait for them to ask.
This respects their ability to assess their own needs and request assistance when wanted.
4. Using “We” When You Mean “You”
Why This Doesn’t Help
Phrases like “Are we ready for our bath?” or “Should we take our medicine now?” are examples of elderspeak. Research shows that this collective pronoun use is perceived as patronizing because it treats your parent like a child who needs a caregiver to join them in basic activities.
What to Say Instead
“Are you ready for your bath?” or “Is it time for your medication?”
Direct, adult-to-adult language maintains dignity and respects their autonomy.
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 150+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
5. “You Already Told Me That”
Why This Doesn’t Help
Even if your parent repeats stories or information, pointing it out can make them feel embarrassed or diminished. It highlights memory concerns in a way that doesn’t help anyone.
What to Do Instead
Listen as if it’s the first time, or gently guide the conversation in a new direction. If repetition becomes concerning, address it separately with compassion rather than in the moment.
You might say, “I love hearing about that. What else do you remember from that time?”
6. “You’re Being Stubborn”
Why This Doesn’t Help
Research shows that adult children perceive their parents as acting stubbornly more often than parents self-perceive such behaviors. What looks like stubbornness to you might be your parent trying to maintain control over their life and decisions.
Labeling their behavior as stubborn dismisses their perspective and can create more resistance.
What to Say Instead
“I’m concerned about this. Can we talk about what’s important to you here?”
This opens dialogue rather than shutting it down, and helps you understand their underlying needs or fears.
7. “Don’t Worry About It” (Dismissing Their Concerns)
Why This Doesn’t Help
When your parent expresses worry or concern, dismissing it, even with good intentions, can make them feel unheard and invalidated. Interpersonal communication has been described as a critical tool for life adjustment, linking people to their environment.
What to Say Instead
“I hear that you’re concerned about this. Let’s talk about it.” or “What specifically is worrying you?”
Acknowledging their feelings shows respect and opens the door to problem-solving together.
8. Giving Orders or Directives Without Discussion
Why This Doesn’t Help
Phrases like “You need to…” or “You have to…” or “You should…” position you as the authority and your parent as the subordinate. Research indicates that directive communication is a form of patronizing talk that can damage relationships.
Your parent has spent decades making their own decisions. Even when they need support, treating them as an equal partner in decision-making preserves dignity.
What to Say Instead
“What do you think about…” or “I’m worried about X. Can we explore some options together?”
This collaborative approach respects their autonomy while allowing you to share your concerns.
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 150+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
Understanding Elderspeak and Its Impact
What Research Shows
Elderspeak is defined as communication that is precipitated by recognition of old age cues, contains specific features of patronizing communication that don’t improve understanding, and often occurs when care and control demands are high.
Common features of elderspeak include:
- Exaggerated, high-pitched tone
- Simplified vocabulary
- Short, choppy sentences
- Diminutive terms
- Collective pronouns
- Directives masked as questions
Research found that elderspeak was generally perceived as patronizing by older adults, and speakers were perceived as less respectful. In persons with dementia, elderspeak increases the probability of resistiveness to care.
The Well-Intentioned Trap
Most people who use elderspeak do so with caring intentions. They’re trying to be helpful, express affection, or make communication easier. But research confirms that even well-meaning elderspeak rarely achieves positive intentions and frequently has negative effects.
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 150+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
What TO Say: Building Respectful Communication
Use Clear, Adult Language
Speak to your parent the way you would to any adult you respect. Clear communication doesn’t require simplification or a different tone; it requires directness and respect.
Ask, Don’t Assume
Before jumping in with help or advice, ask what they want or need. “How can I support you?” is powerful because it puts them in the driver’s seat.
Listen More Than You Talk
Sometimes your parent needs to be heard more than they need solutions. Creating space for them to express themselves builds connection.
Acknowledge Their Expertise
Your parents have decades of life experience. Recognizing their wisdom and capability, even when they need support in some areas, honors who they are.
Be Patient with Communication Challenges
Research shows that older adults may experience communication changes due to aging and various conditions, including hearing loss, vision changes, or cognitive shifts. Patience doesn’t mean talking down; it means allowing time for expression and understanding.
Navigating Difficult Conversations
When Safety Is a Concern
There are times when you genuinely need to discuss difficult topics, such as driving, living arrangements, and health decisions. These conversations are challenging but necessary.
Approach them with:
- Respect for their perspective
- Acknowledgment of their feelings
- Collaborative problem-solving
- Focus on shared goals (like safety and independence)
When You Disagree
Research examining intergenerational relationships found that there are often basic differences within families about day-to-day goals. Disagreements are normal.
When you disagree:
- Listen to understand their reasoning
- Explain your concerns without judgment
- Look for the middle ground when possible
- Recognize that they may choose differently than you would
Why This Matters for Both of You
For Your Parent
Respectful communication:
- Preserves dignity and self-worth
- Maintains sense of autonomy
- Strengthens the relationship
- Supports their emotional well-being
For You
When you communicate respectfully:
- You build a stronger connection
- You’re more likely to have cooperative conversations
- You model healthy communication patterns
- You honor the relationship that’s shaped your life
When Communication Becomes Challenging
Signs You Might Need Support
Consider reaching out to a family therapist if:
- Communication breakdowns are affecting your relationship significantly
- You’re struggling with role changes as your parent ages
- Family conflicts are escalating
- You need help navigating difficult decisions together
- You want to improve communication patterns before they worsen
Professional Guidance Can Help
A therapist who specializes in family dynamics and aging can:
- Help you understand communication patterns
- Provide strategies for difficult conversations
- Support you in managing your own emotions
- Facilitate family discussions when needed
- Help you navigate the changing dynamics of your relationship
Moving Forward with Compassion
The goal isn’t perfect communication, it’s respectful communication. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll slip into patterns you’re trying to avoid. That’s human and normal.
What matters is awareness and intention. When you notice yourself using language that doesn’t honor your parents’ dignity, you can pause and choose differently next time.
Remember: these are the people who raised you, supported you, and helped shape who you are. As the relationship shifts and you find yourself in more of a supportive role, maintaining mutual respect becomes even more important.
Helping families learn how to talk about older adults’ preferences and about goal differences may be important in helping families best support older adults. The effort you put into mindful communication strengthens the relationship and honors the lifetime of love between you.
Looking for help from a therapist for either individual sessions or couples therapy? Serenium has 150+ therapists at multiple locations in NJ and online and accepts most insurance. View our therapists and call us at 877-575-7957 to speak with our team, learn more, or schedule your first session
FAQs
What is “elderspeak” and why should I avoid it?
Elderspeak is a communication pattern that resembles baby talk, involving a high-pitched tone, simplified vocabulary, and collective pronouns like “we”. Research indicates that older adults find this style patronizing and infantilizing, and it can even increase resistance to care in individuals with dementia.
How can I talk to my parents about their safety without being bossy?
Avoid giving orders or using “you need to” statements, which can position you as an authority and your parent as a subordinate. Instead, use a collaborative approach by saying, “I’m worried about X. Can we explore some options together?” to treat them as an equal partner in decision-making.
What should I do when my aging parent acts stubborn?
What adult children see as stubbornness is often a parent’s attempt to maintain control over their life and identity. Rather than using the label “stubborn,” which shuts down dialogue, try asking, “I’m concerned about this. Can we talk about what’s important to you here?”.
How do I help my parent maintain their independence?
Respect their autonomy by not jumping in to help before they have asked for it, which can send the message that you think they are incapable. Instead, ask, “Would you like help with that?” or “How can I support you?” to give them the choice to request assistance.
What is the best way to handle it when my parent repeats themselves?
Pointing out that you have heard a story before can make a parent feel embarrassed or diminished. It is more respectful to listen as if it is the first time or gently guide the conversation by asking for more specific memories related to that topic.
Why is it wrong to call my aging parent “sweetie” or “honey”?
If these are not terms you have used your whole life, adopting them now can feel condescending because they are often used as diminutive terms based on ageist assumptions. It is better to use their name or the respectful terms you have always used throughout your adult relationship.
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